i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
