Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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