Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
