apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
