ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
