Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
