Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
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