i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
