I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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