God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
