I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
