Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
