I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
