If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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