Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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