How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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