Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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