I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
