You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
