PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
