Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
