Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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