is your mom at the bar?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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