I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
