Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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