My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
