I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
