I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
