My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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