so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
