I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
