I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
