You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
