There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
