Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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