you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
