I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
