Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
