Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Randomize
