summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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