nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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