I can text with my tongue
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
