I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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