I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
