You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
