This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
