Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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