So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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