did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well you can't waste a boner
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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