i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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