It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
