Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
BRING THE BAGELS
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
