Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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